Saying Goodbye to Infertility and Hello to Motherhood!!

    Sorry it has taken me two weeks to post the rest of my birth story.  Things have been a little hectic, but in a good way.  I finally gave birth to my adorable twin boys, but the rest of the birth story is as unplanned as the first half.  As fair warning, this might be a TMI post... not sure yet :)
     After I was sent home from the hospital empty handed I did a ton of praying over the weekend.  I was soooooo confused on why things had gone the way they had gone.  Even though I was scheduled to go back to the hospital on Monday, I wasn't convinced it was the best idea.  Maybe the twins just weren't ready to come into the world yet?  Maybe I just needed to let things be?
     In the LDS religion we have a General Worldwide Conference every 6 months and we get to hear the words of the living prophet and apostles and other church leaders.  Conference is thankfully broadcast via TV, so I could stay home in my pajamas and contemplate things.  I gained peace and clarity from conference and after discussing things with Beau we felt good about going in on Monday as my doctor had asked.  We discussed why we had switched to Dr. Berry: it was because if things had to deviate from our natural birth plan we trusted him to do the most minimally medicinal route required to bring the boys into the world safe and healthy.
    So Monday morning at 6 am I was back at Utah Valley Hospital checking in.  Once I got to my room we were happy to see that my nurse was the same one we had had previously and we really liked her.  The nurse checked my cervix and nothing had changed over the weekend.  I was dilated to a 1 with only 70% effacement (thinnning of the cervix).  She got me comfortable and started immediately on the Pitocin.  She also started a Glucose drip, which I guess is supposed to help get contractions going.

     Shortly after the Pit was going the anesthesiologist came in to place the epidural.  Even with my natural plan I agreed to have the epidural placed, but not medicated, should there be a need to do an emergency c-section.  Beau helped me sit over the side of the bed while the epidural was placed in my spine.  I truly only felt a small pinch.  Not as bad as I thought it would be.  Once placed, it was then decided that a small test drip would be done to A. Test the epidural and B. numb me quickly from the waist down for just a small amount of time.  Honestly, I hated the feeling of the epidural and the lack of control it caused.  I shook like I was shivering, but was comfortable temperture-wise.  I had to watch as nurses maneuvered my legs in order to check my cervix.  Not my favorite experience.
     The numbing was to help me stay relaxed as a Fulley (spelling??) Balloon was placed up in my cervix.  So what the balloon is is a long balloon like the ones used to make balloon animals.  It is shoved up into the cervix and then expanded to about 3 cm. around.  There is a "tail" of the balloon left un-inflated that hangs out of your crotch and is attached to some sort of weight.  In my case it was attached to a full IV bag.  This set-up causes a gentle pressure to be placed on the cervix, which than causes it to dilate...hopefully.  I was really glad I had the epidural drip for the insertion of the balloon because Beau told me after that Dr. Berry had to rummage around like crazy to get access to my posterior cervix, pull the cervix forward, shove/guide the balloon into my cervix and then inflate it.  During this lovely moment I guess my body was moving all over the place with the force that was being used to get things in the right places... I didn't feel a thing.
     Once the balloon was in place it was time to wait for things to happen.  After about an hour the epidural wore off, the Pit was increased up to 20 ( the highest level) and I just laid on my side.  My wonderful ovaries started cramping or at least something in the same vicinity.  It felt like the beginning of another ovarian torsion.  I got up to try and walk and use gravity to further dilation.  I went to the restroom and then swayed back and forth in my room with the help of my mom and Beau.  The contractions were decently strong and I could breathe through them, but the cramping was constant and soooooo sharp.  I tried to sit on my birthing ball and could not even flex my knees without shooting pains from my ovaries.  I finally broke down after 2.5 hours of straight cramping and decided to get the epidural.   I cried for a few minutes out of frustration that nothing seemed to be going as planned again.  Since I was getting the epidural I also had a catheter placed.  It wasn't so bad, if you don't mind a bag of your pee hanging off your bedside for all to see.
     About 3 hours after the balloon was placed I was on my left side talking to Beau, my mom and Beau's mom and the balloon came sliding out onto the ground.  It was gross, but pretty funny too.  I got excited because that meant I was dilated to a 3!!! I was however still waiting for my body to kick in so the pitocin could be lowered or turned off.  Spoiler alert...It never kicked in.  I was at a 3 for another 4 hours, than made it to a 4 and stayed there for about 4-5 hours.  At this point I decided to give in again and have my water broken on Maverick.  I was hoping it would allow him to drop down and put pressure on my cervix.  I finally made it to a 5.5 and got stuck.  There was still no pressure from the boys on my cervix.  Their heart rates had remained steady throughout the entire day.  I only went as long as I did because I knew they were ok.
    At the beginning of the day we had decided with Dr. Berry that if nothing had happened by midnight, that we would take the boys by c-section.  By the time midnight rolled around I had been having induced contractions for 18 hours for a total of 58 hours attempting to let things happen somewhat naturally.  It was time to let go of my plans completely and do what was best for the boys.  We decided to move forward with c-section plans. I found out that Dr. Berry had gone against hospital protocol and let me labor 7 hours longer than he was supposed to.  He knew how bad I wanted to have a natural birth and he supported my efforts.  I appreciated that!
     At this point my friend Danette Foster was my night nurse and she got things rolling fast!  Doctors were called in.  I was prepped with a stronger version of the epidural, Beau was put in a lovely white suit thing and out the door to the O.R we went.  I was really bummed that things had not gone even an ounce like I had planned, but also relieved that I would finally have my boys in my arms soon.

     In the O.R things moved quickly.  I was put on the operating table with my arms straight out on my sides.  I learned that the epidural meds travel depending on how you are laying/sitting and when you are lying flat on your back it can travel up into your chest and cause your lungs to feel heavy and breathing can be a bit tricky.  I was having a bit of anxiety about a c-section because it was my "last resort" and I didn't feel I knew enough about what would happen... I like to do my research before doing things.  Beau stayed by my head as the nurses put up a curtain to block my view.  It started to sink in that we were HAVING OUR BABIES!!!!! I of course started to cry and became soooooooo stuffed up in my nose that I sadly had to think of something else because breathing was already hard without the emotional crying.  Even with an insanely stuffey nose I could smell my flesh being cauterized... didn't realize I would smell my own flesh being burned.  It was a little unnerving.  There was no turning back... YIKES and YAY!
     After what seemed like forever the doctors, Dr. Berry and Dr.Woolsey, said I would feel some pressure and stretching.  I didn't feel either of those, but I did feel an immediate weight relief as they pulled baby A (Maverick) out (at 1:10 am Oct. 8th).  Dr. Berry brought him around the curtain covered in all his grossness and waved his little hand at me while saying, "hi mama".  I was elated and sad.  I had my son here, but I couldn't hold him.  Very quickly after Maverick they pulled out Zayden (at 1:11 am Oct. 8th).  I felt 100 lbs lighter instantly.  Dr. Berry did the same thing with Zayden and Beau followed the boys into the resuscitation room (attached to the O.R) to be cleaned and checked.
     I laid there still unable to move or breathe and tried to wrap my brain around things.  It had taken me 58 hours to get to this point and after only 5 minutes or so of surgery minutes my boys were with their father, safe and healthy...weird, but great feeling.  Beau came back to check on me a few minutes later and I was just sitting there while the doctors sewed me up.  The boys were only gone about 5 minutes before they were brought back to me by a nurse and Beau and they were placed very close to my face so I could see them and talk to them.  I still could not breathe through my nose and the nurse had Maverick sooooo close to my face that after a minute breathing was even harder with a baby so close.  I loved seeing my boys though! They looked NOTHING alike :)  I was told that Maverick was 6 lbs 10 oz and Zayden was 5 lbs 10 oz.  Both were 18.5 inches long.  Both were healthy and doing fine! Phew I was told that Zayden had wedged his head just right against Mavericks head, which prevented Maverick from dropping down against my cervix...hence the zero pressure and lack of natural progression!!!

  Introducing Maverick and Zayden...

Maverick Storm Murphy

Zayden Beau Murphy

      Beau and the nurse took the boys back to the labor room.  Sadly, I had to ask Beau to remind me how things went once I was brought back from the O.R.  I have waited sooooooo long to have my first moment holding my children and now I barely remember it :(  After talking with Beau and looking at pictures I can recall a few details, but I am not sure why I can't remember it.  Ughhhh!  What I do remember is that it took about 30 minutes to sew me back together and once I was in the labor room both boys were handed to me and I cried...of course.  There were a few family members in the room with us, but at that moment it was me, Beau and our boys.  I remember Beau kissing me and I was able to have my moment.  I don't remember details after that...for at least the next little while.

     I remember the nurse coming in and pushing on my stomach to check my bleeding and it not being a very good feeling!  I had to wear those HUGE maxi pads along with the meshy hospital underwear the entire time I was at the hospital.  It was not comfortable.  My tailbone and back I think are permanently screwed from sitting in the hospital bed.  It was not a comfortable bed.  I remember trying to breastfeed and neither boy being able to latch because I have flush nipples.  It was recommended that I use a breast shield and the latching problem was fixed.
     After about 24 hours we were informed that Zayden was testing too low with his blood sugar.  He was whisked off to the NICU :(  I HATED not having him with me in the room.  Moving was really hard to do the first couple of days so it took me a few hours, which seemed like eternity, to be able to get out of bed and up to the NICU to see him.  I began to count my blessings when I saw the other TINY babies in the NICU struggling for life when my baby was a great weight and had a manageable issue.  My baby would be coming home with me whereas many of the other babies would not be leaving the NICU for awhile... broke my heart for their moms.
    Since I was only producing colostrum we were using banked milk to feed the boys.  My mom or Beau would hold a 10 cc syringe above my breast while the baby was latched on.  The syringe had a small tube that ran from it into the breast shield.  It was quite the production to simply feed the boys and it took forever to do since both boys would eat around 30 cc's.  It worked great though in order to teach the boys to latch and get them to understand that the boob is where the food is.  While poor Zayden was in the NICU I feel like the feeding process went even slower.  They measured his blood sugars constantly, which meant a bunch of heel pricks with the nurse squeezing the heck out of my baby's foot to test the blood.  I hated the tests because most of the nurses acted as though my child didn't feel anything even though they would each scream in pain.  I am glad that Beau spent most of the time with Zayden in the NICU because I would not have been very nice when it came to poking my kid again and again.  After 24 hours Zayden was passing his blood sugar tests really well and was brought back to us in the labor room and stayed with us for good.  Ahhhhhh, I was a happy mama.
     They did however test both the boys and their blood sugar a few times a day until we went home.  I argued with the nurses to stop the stupid tests considering both boys were doing well above the "scare" line.  I had my first "mom" moment after their very last test.  The nurse performed the test in the room.  She poked Maverick first and the poor baby screamed like crazy.  Once she was done with him I asked for him and put him skin-to-skin on my chest and he instantly calmed down and snuggled in.  After the nurse tested Zayden and he too was screaming I did the same with him.  I had both boys snuggled into my chest and sleeping peacefully within a few seconds of them being in my arms.  I felt as though they knew who I was and trusted me to keep them safe and sound... LOVED it!!

    The past struggles of infertility are only a memory now.  All the issues, pain and heartache will never be forgotten, but have now become the past that has brought me to the point of motherhood.  I look forward to raising these boys and any future children we may welcome into our home.  I am grateful for my new little family and recognize the Lord's hand in all the details.  He has allowed me to grow and stretch in ways I never thought I could.  He has given me the courage and confidence to move forward and take leaps of faith into the darkness.  He has taught me to trust in His plan and His timing.  He has given me the empathy and understanding to be of service to those with the same or similar trial.   I am a blessed mama!

Expect the Unexpected... I Didn't.

Soooooooooooo, I'm home.  The unexpected part is that I am STILL PREGNANT!

     Things did not go anywhere near the way I thought they would when we went to the hospital.  The plan was to do 2-3 doses of Prepidil, which is a gel that gets inserted up the vagina and then placed on the cervix to soften it and allow for further dilation.  Next we would do a low dose of Pitocin just to get my contractions started.  Once my body kicked in the Pitocin would be turned off and the rest of labor would go naturally.
    The way things actually went was this... We checked in at 6 am on Wednesday morning.  We were in our labor room by 6:45.  The nurse than old us that we might get sent home because the Prepidil is typically only used if there is an extreme medical reason for inducing labor.  We told her that it was our doctor's recommendation due to the fact that I was 38 weeks with two very healthy twins and our doctor felt that letting things go too far could cause unnecessary complications.  So she left to get approval for the procedure.  She finally had the approval around 11:00-ish.
     At 11:30 I was laid flat on my back, the doctor shoved his fingers up me and all the way back to my cervix, which we found out is very posterior (behind my uterus...not fun!!!) and then used his fingers to guide the Prepidil syringe to the cervix.  He squirted the gel in and than it was 6 hours of waiting.  It was super painful, but my anticipation of it working was high.  After 6 hours I was checked (sooooo painful) and I had softened a tiny bit, so round two of the gel was prescribed.  Same painful process and another 6 hours of waiting.  The gel also caused contractions that felt like really bad period cramps including the nauseousness.  After the second 6 hours I was checked and NOTHING had changed!  It was 11:45 pm at this time and a third round of the gel was prescribed and inserted.  My poor crotch felt horrible, raw and swollen... but the end result was worth it to me.  I would be checked again at 5:45 am (Thursday) to decide whether or not to move on to Pitocin or do more gel.
     At 5:45 am I was woken up (I slept like crap, but had small spurts of actual sleep) and the nurse checked me.  This was by far the most painful check.  The nurse had small hands and literally grabbed the side bar of the bed to help give her more umph as she leaned in and SHOVED her fingers up me.  I was ready to scream when she finally pulled back.  But, she said I was thinned enough to move on to Pitocin...YAY!
     I started the pit drip at a level 6 at 6:30 am.  Throughout the day the drip was gradually increased in an attempt to create stronger, more productive contractions.  I sat on my birthing ball most of the afternoon and I literally didn't feel the contractions.  The pit was gradually increased all the way up to level 20 around 2:00 pm, the highest it goes, and I finally felt the contractions.  My body however never kicked in with its own contractions.  By 3:30 the doctor decided to stop the pit drip and I was checked again.  I was still dilated to a 1!!!!!! The contractions were completely unproductive :( At 5:30 pm I was given a 4th dose of the Prepidil gel to try and thin my cervix a little more in hopes that it would stretch better.  I had a few minutes of hardcore frustration crying.  I felt like once again my body was letting everyone down.  My family, Beau's family and lots of friends were waiting on our baby's arrival and I could not make it happen.  I created the same mental pressure I felt when I couldn't get pregnant.  Not a fun feeling.
    Although I was supposed to wait 6 hours again my doctor came in around 9:00 pm and decided to check me again and discuss options.  Once again I got the depressing news that NOTHING had changed.  My body was not responding to any of the meds.  I lost it.  I thought I had cried hard earlier, nope... I really went into "the ugly" cry.  I was beyond frustrated and felt hopeless.  I wanted soooooo badly to hold my boys and bring them into this world as natural as possible and everything was falling apart.  The options Dr. Berry gave me were to do another round of the gel with the addition of some sort of balloon thing that would be inserted into my cervix and blown up to force dilation, a C-section OR stop everything and go home...empty handed.
     I didn't like any of the options, but had to make a decision.  Everyone left the room and I balled into Beau's chest and we tried to make a rational decision that was best for the babies and not a selfish emotional decision.  We decided to give my body a break and go home.  I was heart broken.  I knew when I first got pregnant that my family was not the best dilators, but I had hoped that the pressure of the twins would solve that problem for me.  I could not believe that my body had BARELY reacted to any of the meds and was not easily starting its own contractions.  I really felt it was time to have these babies come out, but obviously I was wrong.  I finally stopped crying, got dressed and we went home around 10:30 pm.  I had been in the hospital and having medically induced contractions for nearly 40 hours and was walking out feeling the exact same as I had when I went in...no real contractions and hugely pregnant.  Not what I expected.
      We are scheduled to go back in first thing Monday morning and try the balloon thing with either the pit drip or the gel.  If my body hasn't kicked in by Tuesday morning than the plan is to do a c-section.  I will be one day short of 39 weeks at that point.  I was entirely okay with this plan last night as I was balling in the hospital, but now that I have had a minute to think clearly I am stressing about what I should do.
     My only concern with the babies is that they are growing so much that they are running out of fluid and room.  I don't want to wait to act until they are in fetal distress, but I also don't want to jump the gun if they truly are not ready to come out.  I want to go natural, but I am aware that natural may not be the best option if my body doesn't cooperate.  I don't want to risk my child's life all in an attempt to spare them from a traumatic, drug-induced entrance into this world... but I want to give them the best entrance possible and to me that would be naturally.  I don't know what to do.
     Ideally I would love for my body to go into labor this weekend before Monday so I don't have to make these tough choices, but its not looking like that is in the cards for me.  The LDS religion has its semi-annual conference this weekend where the prophet and apostles will be speaking.  It is broadcast via television or internet worldwide ( I recommend it to anyone and everyone!!! ).  I am hoping to gain some insight and peace through the messages we'll hear.  I have also been praying like crazy and plan to continue my prayers to know what is best.  I trust the Lord and hope I am in-tune enough to recognize His prompting/answer to my prayers.
     Today I have had a lot of love and support from friends and family that know what happened and I appreciate all of it.  I have kept myself very busy with the help of my mom (who NEVER stops/slows down).  I am grateful she is here even though she is supposed to be taking care of her grandsons, and is instead taking care of me :) Between the love and patience of my husband, the support of family and friends and especially the love of the Lord, I do believe we will know what we are supposed to do.  Until then, I am still pregnant with two very squirmy 7 lbs. baby boys.

The Decision is Made... We're Going In!!

     After a few rounds of acupuncture, sex, accupressure and lots of walking... I am done.  Nothing is opening and nothing is thinning (except the skin on my belly...ouch!)  I realized that the acupuncture most likely wasn't working because one of the main points to induce labor is in the top of the foot.  I had foot surgery a few years back on both feet and the "lovely" doctor botched the surgery.  My nerves are no longer in the correct position and every time Sue would try to put the needle in she would hit a nerve that was not meant to be there.  Sex is fine, but hasn't progressed anything labor wise.  Accupressure has been great since it is mainly foot massages from Beau, but once again...nothing to progress things.  Walking is just soooooo uncomfortable that the motivation to do it is at level zilch!.  

     I have decided to go in and have assistance getting things started.  I met with my doctor yesterday and discussed options.   Than today I had an NST.  Both boys are GREAT, heart rates are great, but fluid levels in their sacs are getting close enough to the "low" level of 2 that I don't see the purpose in waiting any longer till they are in distress to move things forward.  My concern all along has been dilation on my own because no one in my immediate family dilates on their own.  I was hoping that the pressure of twins would make me different, but over the last three weeks of "progress" monitoring nothing has changed.  I am closed up nice and TIGHT... good job cervix!  I am having contractions that are a little more intense than before, but no pattern and nothing to complain about.  

     So by assistance I mean that they will soften my cervix with something similar to Cervidil starting at 6 am tomorrow morning.  The thinning process can take any where from 6-24 hours.  Once my cervix is softened enough they will start me on a low dose of Pitocin (not happy about having to use this, but it is time for the boys to come out).  Once my body kicks in with its own contractions the Pitocin will be stopped and hopefully my body will continue forward on its own.  After my body kicks in the natural plan is still in place... crossing my fingers it all goes as planned from that point forward.  I am guessing I should have my boys in my arms sometime on Thursday!!! YAY, YIKES, HOLY COW, FINALLY, AND WHAT????????!!!!!!!!!!!  It is still sinking in :) 

    Since tonight is our last night EVER of not having to worry about kids we decided to go out.  We went to La Jolla Groves in the Riverwoods...delish!! We got there a little later, so it was nice and quiet... it was perfect :) 

Beau is the best.  The other night he didn't say a word, but set up warm buckets of water with smell-good stuff in them and than massaged my feet for awhile and worked all the labor pressure points.  It was an awesome surprise. 

     I can't believe this is my LAST night pregnant with my first children!!! I am 38 weeks on the dot, 46 inches around and 183 lbs...oops, I lost 3 lbs somewhere this week.  Crazy to think this stage of my life is actually coming to an end...almost makes me cry until I look at my puffy feet and STRETCHED out belly skin :)  Honestly though, it is kind of sad/weird to think that my pregnancy is over.  I have spent so much time over the last couple years praying, pleading and crying for this blessing.  Just the idea of being pregnant seemed so far away at times, than to have it go sooooo well has been a HUGE blessing.  As painful as their kicking and squirming can be, it is my constant reminder of how well they are doing.  I will miss it.

I am excited for my next post... introducing Maverick and Zayden!!!!