Infertility...from the Beginning to today

Our Journey through Infertility.

            So I have decided to write my infertility experience to try to make some kind of sense of this terrible trial.  I typically love roller coasters, but this is one ride I hope ends soon.  I have three reasons for writing this…1. For my own selfish benefit hoping that if it is written down then I can release it from my thoughts. , 2. To possibly help someone else going through infertility  (how it will help, I don’t know) 3. To help those who have never had to deal with infertility possibly understand it a little bit better.  

            For those of you who may know me and have decided to read this… all I ask is that you leave your thoughts in a comment if you feel the need to do so.  I don’t want a bunch of calls, texts, or sympathy conversations.  I sugar coat my experience when I talk about it to keep from crying or getting angry and so I would rather not have to do that any more.

             Every single story is different and every person handles their circumstances differently, but yet there is a common desire of a child that brings those dealing with infertility together.  At this point however, I am not wanting to hear any more stories, any more “It’ll all work out, just be patient” comments, or anything else that is meant to be uplifting.  I know that sounds super negative, but I feel like I have heard it all, read it all and given myself enough pep talks to "keep smiling" to suffice for the next 100 years.  Just pray that it all works out instead. thx.

            On a positive note, my saving grace through this whole ordeal is my AMAZING husband, Beau.  I am married to a saint that is not only gorgeous to look at, but keeps me smiling constantly and knows just how to pull me out of my slumps.  Beau has been ridiculously supportive and patient with all the issues that keep arising (all my health issues, nothing wrong with him) when he could easily be justified in blaming me or getting angry with me.  He has NEVER once said our lack of children is my fault or made me feel like less of a woman.  He knows that the Lord is in the details of our lives and he turns to his faith always.  I am forever grateful for him and I am BLESSED to have him by my side for all eternity. 

            I do believe/know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and in time I will see it more clearly.  I know that He knows of my desire to be a mother and start my family.  I know that He is not giving me this trial as a form of entertainment for Him, but rather as a learning opportunity for me.  I have felt his love and comforting peace at moments during the past 2 years and I continue to feel him near… but I am human and I can’t escape the crappiness of it all no matter how hard I have tried.   I pray continually to overcome my weakness in faith and to avoid the angry/hurt feelings I feel.  Someday I’ll be like Mother Theresa, but today is not that day.

From the VERY Beginning…

            After my high school graduation I turned 19 and packed up my car. My mom made the cross country drive with me from Ohio out to Utah where my older sister lived at the time.  Skimming over the unnecessary details, I met up with a guy I had met back in Ohio, where he served a mission for our church, but he actually lived in Salt Lake City and within a year we were married.  I knew that he was not all that fond of children, but I figured that in time that would change (young and dumb…that was me!).

            We were married for 7 years.  I always thought I would have my first child around the age of 21, but during those 7 years when I brought the topic of children up he would appease me with a new “plan”.  The new “plans” always went something like this… We’ll start trying when I get a stable job, We’ll start trying when I finish my bachelor’s degree, We’ll start trying when I finish my CFS licensing, We’ll start trying when we can afford a house…etc!!!  For many more reasons way beyond his “plans”, things didn’t work out and we were divorced in 2008.

            I only mention my previous marriage because it raised suspicions for me with my ability to reproduce.  Even though he adamantly did not want kids, in 7 years there were plenty of opportunities for an “oops” and we never had even the slightest scare.  I have had other health issues that do not run in my family.  I seem to be the lucky one that looks and acts totally healthy, but if it can go wrong inside, it does.  I set my suspicions aside until I met my current husband.

            Beau and I met in 2009 at my younger sister’s house, who had also moved to Utah after high school.  She was married and had 2 kids at the time.  The night I met him I watched him play with my nephews all night and saw how much they LOVED him.  They already called him Uncle :)  

            Once again skipping all the unnecessary (but fun, wonderful) details, we fell in love at first sight (really) and were married a year and a half later in July 2010.  By this time I was 27, about to turn 28 and still no kids!  We used protection for only a month before deciding to just let things happen if they were meant to happen.   Our journey through infertility issues started June 2010.

Infertility Becomes Reality…

            Each month for the next three months while we tried naturally my heart was broken when I would start my period.  My mom had had issues getting pregnant, but her first came very easy.  My two sisters that have kids both got pregnant just thinking about it, but the same was not happening for me.  I admittedly was a little embarrassed and felt pretty lame that I was not able to quickly give Beau the child he was sooooooo ready to have and wanted.   I also felt pressure from his side of the family even though no one on his side ever said a thing directly to me about kids, to have their first grandchild and great-grandchild.  I was embarrassed around his family that I was so dysfunctional and my health issues were front-page news.  They were always (and continue to be) so sweet and kind, but it was an internal issue I created myself and the feeling sucked.

            I decided to see an OB to try and find out what was going on.  I went to my general OB’s office and after a few blood tests was informed that my hormone levels were off and I was not ovulating.  Because I’ve had other health issues in the past, getting news about something else that is wrong does not surprise me, so I rolled pretty easy with this discovery and did what the doctor told me.  I started Clomid, which is a hormone pill you take once a day on days 3-7 of your cycle.  My OB told me that I would be pregnant within 3 months!! I called my family and told them the good news.   I had tons of people tell me all these amazing stories about themselves or people they knew that had done Clomid and were pregnant after just a month or two…some even with twins.  My hopes were super high.

            Thankfully I don’t think I ever turned into a hormonal beast on Clomid, but month after month my stupid period kept coming.  Beau didn’t know this at the time, but I would CRY for a few hours at a time when I would start my period.  I was beyond sad that things still weren’t working.  My embarrassment turned into shame that I couldn’t do what women were made to do… I felt soooo broken!  

            After 3 months on the pills and still nothing my OB did an external ultrasound (the normal ones that they do for prego women) and saw nothing wrong, so I was advised to continue with the Clomid, “it would work”…NOPE! After I was told by my OB to start my 7^th cycle of Clomid and to, “give it a few more months” when I was yet to see even the slightest sign of it doing a thing, I felt hopeless, frustrated and ready to burst into tears.  I pulled out of my OB’s office and while I was driving down the street I passed Utah Fertility Center (UFC).  I flipped a U-turn and decided I was done with the OB, he obviously didn’t know what he was talking about because there had to be some kind of explanation for why I still wasn’t pregnant.

            I walked into UFC and they scheduled me for a consult with Dr. Foulk two days later.  They gave me the Dr’s bio and credentials within the infertility field and I instantaneously felt a rush of relief.  I felt like I was making the right choice and that things were going to happen with this doctor.

           

Real Infertility Treatments begin…

            Dr. Foulk laid things out for us in very basic terms in regards to how things do or don’t work in the reproductive area.  We discussed me possibly having endometriosis because my periods had always been very painful, but he didn’t feel I had enough of the symptoms to do the surgery required to determine if I had it or not.  His game plan was to start simple and only do expensive tests/surgeries if we discovered we HAD to do them in order to move forward.  Beau and I felt great working with him.  He is amazing…google him if you are looking for a great doctor… and he promised us a baby!!

            A few days after the consultation I was scheduled for an water-inter-vaginal ultrasound, which is where they take a probe and go up your crotch to see inside the ovaries and uterus.  They push water into your uterus in order to see the walls... causes some heavy cramping!  Dr. Foulk found a polyp in the shape of a baseball bat inside my uterus.  If the polyp remained than when an embryo tried to attach, the polyp would most likely knock it off.  I once again took this news pretty well and was scheduled for surgery with Dr. Foulk to remove the polyp.  The surgery happened September 29, 2011.  I really didn’t have much of a recovery from the surgery it was pretty easy.  My hopes were getting really high that the problem had been found!  I started my period around the second week of October, which would be the start of MANY Inseminations (IUI). 

IUI is where they turkey baste me with Beau’s sperm during ovulation.  They place the sperm right next to the fallopian tubes so the chance of fertilization is increased.  Before they actually inseminate me I have to do a few things once I start my period.  On day 2 I go in for a baseline scan.  They do an inter-vaginal scan inside me and make sure my uterine lining is thinned out and my ovaries are clear.  On day three I start my hormone pills, which Dr. Foulk put me on Femara (it’s the next step up from Clomid).  I take two small pills each morning days 3-7 of my cycle.  Days 8-10 I have to do my injections, which help mature the eggs.  There are two names for the same injection meds, Bravelle and Lepori, I use Lepori.  I use Lepori because I was able to get it for $16/shot instead of the $60/shot of Bravelle (I used Bravelle on my first 4 IUI’s before I was told I could get Lepori for so much cheaper).    Go to www.IVFmeds.com for a list of cheaper fertility drugs…shipping can take a while.  Anyways, I have to mix 1 ml of special water stuff with a solid powder.  The liquid dissolves the powder and I suck it all back into a syringe.  The needle is 1.5 inches long and has to be injected into my butt/hip and into the muscle…OUCH! (Bravelle is a smaller needle that is given in the stomach).  My AMAZING husband has always been willing to do the actual injection after I mix the solution so that I can grip a blanket or pillow and close my eyes.   The shots are 50/50 when it comes to pain.  Sometimes, I don’t even feel them and other times it burns.

The next day my butt feels super sore, like I did a hard-core butt workout.  I alternate cheeks/hips, so by the third day of shots my whole backside is sore!!! On day 10 or 11 I go in for a follicle scan.  They use the same inter-vaginal probe and look to see the size of the eggs.   The eggs need to be around a 19-22 for the best chance of fertilization.  If the eggs are a good size than I am given instructions to do my HCG shot to force my body into ovulation.  This is the same type of shot, 1 ml of liquid mixed with a different powder.  This needle is only an inch long and I can give it to myself in my stomach.   The injection site is pretty sore for the next couple days.  Also, for me, ovulation feels like terrible gas pains in my lower abdomen.  I get bloated, constipated and crampy.  22.5 hours after I inject this shot, Beau goes into the clinic and gives them a sperm sample… he is a trooper because he has to do this completely dry!!! Then 1.5 hours after he gives them the sperm I go in and get turkey basted.  The syringe they use is filled with sperm, they tell me how many mobile sperm are in the sample.  My crotch is propped open with a speculum, always cold, wiped out with cotton swabs and then they insert the syringe of sperm into my cervix.  It is an instantaneous nausea feeling with a slight pinch.  It only lasts a few seconds and then the table I am on is tilted so my head is lower then my crotch and I am left to lay there for 15 min.   Then I leave.  Beau and I have to have scheduled sex that same night… it increases the blood flow to move the inserted sperm better.  For those going through the process, I didn’t know I had to orgasm during the scheduled sex night, but I do in order for the blood flow to help the sperm.   TMI Warning (If I haven't already crossed that line)… this sounds like I don’t usually get off during sex, but I do.  It is a little harder during this time because I am still feeling bloated, cramped and constipated from ovulation.  Sex for me can be somewhat painful during this time.  Thankfully a few days later I feel normal again.   Then starting the 2nd night after the IUI- and until I go in for my blood work- I have to shove a progesterone suppository up my crotch every night, which oozes out as it melts during the night and usually continues oozing through the next day…joyous!   I found a little improvement in the oozing when I switched to Endometrin suppositories because it is basically a horse pill that you insert with an applicator as compared to the gel suppositories. Our sex life becomes very non-spontanious during the next annoying two weeks.  During the two week wait I play a mind guessing game of “Am I Prego or Not” and every little thing with my body that seems weird becomes a possible sign, until it is gone a few moments later.  Finally, exactly two weeks after the insemination I get blood drawn and get to find out if it worked or not. I get my blood drawn in the morning and have to wait till around 3:00-400 pm before I get a call… not a fun day!!  I HATE the two-week wait!!!!  The total out of pocket cost is between $1200-$2000 depending on how things go. In order to go onto another cycle you have to be paid in full on your previous cycle’s.

            So the first IUI went exactly as I described above.  Beau’s sperm count was 28 million and only 5 million are needed to do the procedure (he was feeling pretty good about that).  I had one egg at a good size and after waiting two weeks to do the blood test my result was NOTHING :(  Dr. Foulk had told us to give it 3 tries before we got discouraged.  So my hopes weren’t too dashed at this point…sad and cried, of course, but ready to keep going.

            The second IUI did not go so smoothly.  On day 10 after doing 3 shots I went in for my follicle scan and I didn’t have a single egg that was ready!! I was told to go home and do two more days of Bravelle shots.  The shots were $60/each and each ultrasound/scan is about $200 each.  So after two days I went back for another scan and still nothing.  I was told to do another shot and come back the next day for another scan! I did and the eggs were almost ready, but still needed more shots and more scans.  We were out of money and I was getting frustrated that the odds of that month working were slim to none, so what was the point in continuing.  The nurse was awesome and gave me 3 shots for free and did 2 of the scans for free as well!!! Finally on day 21 of my cycle (normal ovulation occurs around day 14) I had one egg that was ready and I injected my HCG shot for the IUI on day 23 of my cycle.  I was really bummed about this attempt and really thought it wasn’t going to work and felt we had just wasted all of our savings.  When they actually turkey baste me and do the insemination it is over $500.  I was stressed, but since we had done the IUI so late in my cycle I only had to wait a few days to know I HAD MISSED MY PERIOD!!!!! I went in and did a blood test.  My HCG level (which is what tells you if you are prego or not) was low, but it was considered positive!!!!

            I got this amazing news a week before Beau’s birthday.  I decided to wait and tell him on his birthday…hardest few days ever!  I had called my best friend first and paced in shock and excitement while I told her the news…she was ecstatic.  She was prego at the time too so we discussed our kids only being a few months apart and that they would be best friends too, etc.   Well, I couldn’t wait the full week and I told Beau about 4 days later.  I planned a cute way to tell him by putting a cup of dirt with some seeds in front of him and acting like I had a cool experiment to show him and once he was thoroughly confused I gave him the pregnancy sticks I had pee’d on… he was in shock and sooooooo excited!!!  We decided to skype with my parents and tell them the good news immediately since they had been fasting and praying for us a ton.  My mom cried, my dad was elated and it was a great feeling!  I started planning the nursery the next day.  We decided to tell everyone else at Christmas since it was only 3 weeks away.

            My hopes and excitement didn’t last long.  I lost the pregnancy only a week later.   We had just finished a sushi dinner with Beau’s dad and his girlfriend and were driving home.  My stomach had started cramping REALLY bad right after dinner and we had only been on the freeway about 5 minutes when I made Beau get off and pull into the closest restaurant, McDonalds.  I ran into the bathroom and had the worst diarrhea of my life.  Graphic detail warning… It was non-stop and completely black!  I was a little scared by it, but figured I had just eaten something.  I spent at least 30 min in that bathroom.  I still felt queasy, but thought I was ok to leave.  When I came out I was actually locked in.  McDonalds had closed while I was in the bathroom!! Luckily there was one person still there that let me out.  I got into the car and Beau was a little annoyed with how long I had been gone and how late it was getting.  We pulled out of the parking lot and I made him flip U-turn and go to the next restaurant, Denny’s.  I RAN to the bathroom for another round of black diarrhea and… bleeding.  I started to bleed really heavy and I knew I had lost the pregnancy.  I was devastated.   After about 20 min I walked back to the car, slouched down in the passengers seat, quietly told Beau I had started bleeding. Beau told me he was sorry and just held my hand while I stared out the window and silently cried the whole way home (a 45 min drive).

              Dumbest thing I ever did was tell people so early on.  I knew the risk of losing it was there, but didn’t think it would happen to me and didn’t realize the impact it would have on me.  I was CRUSHED.  I cried for 3-4 days straight.  I am a private crier so I tried to be normal around anyone else, but the moment I was alone I lost it.   I hated having to tell my family, especially my parents that the happy moment was short lived.  I hated that it was right after Beau’s birthday, that the greatest gift I could give him was gone.  I felt really broken! 

            They did a blood test on me after I lost the pregnancy and found that my thyroid was overactive and that my prolactin levels (the hormone that tells your body to prepare for lactation) were super high.  Both of these issues can cause miscarriage.  I was sad there was yet something else wrong with me, but hopeful that maybe these two things were the final puzzle pieces.  I had to take 6 thyroid pills a day and one pill at night for the prolactin.  I was up to 20 pills/day including the supplements they had me on as well.

             Because that cycle had been sooo much more then a normal one with all the extra shots and scans, we were not able to keep up with the cost and were forced to take a break till the end of February 2012.  Insurance does not cover anything when it comes to infertility, which is the dumbest thing in the world.  It is a medical condition, not a choice!!!!!   I decided to start being super vague with friends and family about what we were doing because I had a few people actually track my cycle and constantly ask me if I was pregnant yet…Uh, NO THANKS!!! During the two-month break I still took my hormone pills at the start of each month in hopes that without the polyp maybe we could make it happen naturally.  I was let down again.

            The end of February came and we started our 3^rd IUI.  My hopes were back up since I had now been on the thyroid pills and prolactin pills long enough that my blood work was showing everything was good. I had 2 good eggs and Beau’s sperm count got higher with each cycle.  His count was up to about 50 million!!!   I thought for sure everything HAD to work now.  The blood results at the end of March were…negative.  Devastated again I cried for about 2 days.  We went right into the next cycle.  Doing back-to-back IUI’s doesn’t give you much time to sulk, you have to just suck it up and move on with hopes that things will work.   I try.

            Beau and I are Latter Day Saints (Mormons) and we attend our temple once a week together.  This a personal choice we make and it is outside our regular Sunday worship services.  We always end up talking after we have completed our service and the conversations always focus on what we think might be God’s plan for us and why things have not worked for us yet in the baby department.  I typically have a renewed sense of hope after these conversations.  One week at the temple we had just started the horrible two week wait of our 4^th IUI.  We would be going to Ohio to visit my parents in just 3.5 weeks.  I had a strong feeling that we would be pregnant when we saw them.  A few days after this impression I started to become EXHAUSTED by 11:00 am to the point of not being able to function and my nipples got super super sensitive.  These were new things that really got my hopes up that the process had worked.  I finally did my blood test and the results were…POSITIVE!!!! Elated I called Beau immediately.  My HCG levels were way better then the first time.

            I had follow up blood tests each week and each week my numbers were higher!!! When we went home I was 6.5 weeks pregnant and scheduled to hear the heartbeat the day after we got back from our 10 day trip.  On cloud 9 and planning our life we landed in Ohio at 11:00 pm on May 19.  We were going to wait till we heard the heartbeat to tell anyone, including my parents, but once we were with them I didn’t want to wait.  My numbers were high, I felt great and didn’t see a reason to wait.  Once again my mom cried and my parents hugged us.  It was a super happy moment.  We spent the next day shopping and talking about the baby and the next day…we spent in the Emergency Room!!!

            At 3:00 am on May 21^st I woke up to REALLY BAD cramps.  I hobbled to the bathroom and a huge blood clot came out into the toilet immediately.  This sounds gross, but I hadn’t pee’d or anything, so I reached into the water and pulled the clot out.  It was a tissue clot!! I cried harder than I had ever cried about anything in my life.  I knew I was looking at my baby.  I debated between screaming to wake the house up and go to the ER then or just deal with it alone… I choose to stay alone.  I could not believe that after what I felt was inspiration that we would be pregnant when we visited my parent’s, that I would be losing the baby while at their home.  I felt like it was the meanest and worst joke ever! Although deep down I knew it wasn’t a joke at all, but part of a larger picture I was blind to at the moment.  I was crying beyond control and still cramping like crazy so I just sat on the toilet for the next 3 hours balling my eyes out while clot after clot of blood came out of me.  I pulled each clot out of the toilet to make sure it wasn’t more tissue clots (twins was my reasoning).  I really wanted only Beau to come into the bathroom, but unfortunately he is a sound sleeper and didn’t wake up to the 15 times I called his phone (I had taken my cell with me to use as a flashlight while hobbling to the bathroom).   As I mentioned above I am a private crier and was sad, annoyed, angry and embarrassed that I had to tell my parents that once again their moment of happiness was short lived.  At about 6:00 am I hobbled back to bed with a huge pad on and still passing clots, but the cramping had become bearable. 

            I woke Beau up and told him everything.  He pretended (I think) to still be super sleepy, but I think he was too sad to talk about it.  I called the UFC nurse-on-call, Tanya, and explained the situation.  She told me to stay as still as possible, get to the ER, have them do a inter-vaginal ultrasound to ensure there was not a sac still in my uterus and try to relax.  At that point I had literally cried every ounce of liquid I had in me out and was unbelievably exhausted, so I was able to seem relaxed.  My mom woke up about 8:00 am and we went to the ER. 

            Trying to keep the mood from being super sad, which would only depress me even more, I tried to make things light by coming up with stupid games to pass the time.  When we finally got into a room I was beat and the stupid games stopped.  I had to be wheeled to a bathroom every 30 min to pass more clots.  When they finally did the ultrasound they wheeled me into a freezing cold room alone, gave me a blanket and went to use the machine, but the nurse pulled the plug out of the wall!!! Laying there I started to lose a lot of blood.  It got all over the blanket, I cried and they brought me a new one.  I was sooooo mad at the nurse for pulling the plug, then not knowing how to restart it and treating the situation like it was no big deal.  To me it was a HUGE deal and this ultrasound would either confirm that my dreams were gone or tell me I was wrong and the bleeding didn’t equal miscarriage.  I was shaking from being so cold by the time she finally got the machine working again.  She very quickly checked inside me,  and when she pulled out the probe it seemed to release even more blood and then she finally wheeled me back to my room without saying a word!!!! I was livid!!!  I’ve had enough of those scans to know that she knew what was happening at that exact moment, but wouldn’t tell me.  After that I told any person that came into my room that I wanted to go home and to find someone that would let me go.  I was DONE with that place.  I knew I had lost the pregnancy and just wanted to be alone!  I had to wait another 2 or 3 hours to be told I had officially lost the baby.  I tried to be tough because my mom and husband were there, but I couldn’t and I cried… but only for a moment.  Beau felt so bad when I started to cry that he didn’t know what to do because he was also heart broken and on the verge of losing it, so my mom jumped up to my bed and just held me while I cried.  Then of course I felt dumb for being so weak and putting my mom and husband in an awkward situation, so I stopped crying and seemed to blow it off.  

            We finally went home around 4:00 pm.  What a waste of a vacation day.  I didn’t want my parent’s to feel any worse then they needed to so I put on a tough face and forced myself to not think about it.  I went through the next couple days only crying at night when everyone was asleep.  After that, I did my best to pretend like it never happened. 

            I always struggle with sadness and anger towards the Lord each time I start my period, get a negative result or especially when I loose a pregnancy.  I had a really hard time after I lost this one.  I don’t know if it is ever something I will fully understand, but even in my most angry and sad moments I still know there is a purpose and I have to be patient to figure out what that is.

            After our trip I went into UFC to do more blood work to see what may have caused the miscarriage.  It was discovered that I had yet another health issue.  I had inherited my dad’s blood disorder called Prothrombin Gene Mutation.  My dad has had four blood clots in his legs because this disorder is a thickening of the blood cells.  My dad has two bad chromosomes but I only inherited one, so my risk of clots is much lower but still there.  I cried for a day when I learned about this new issue. Mainly because I was tired of having things wrong with me.  I also felt terrible because I knew the news would eat at my dad and he would feel responsible for giving it to me, when of course it is not his fault at all.  I wished I could comfort him or at least put him at ease.

            I had decided back in February to try something different and go to an acupuncturist in conjunction with my infertility dr.  My friend recommended Dr. Sue Schultz in Provo, UT to me.  I LOVE Sue!!!  She was helping to keep my hormones balanced, which was another reason I thought for sure everything would work out great.  After the blood disorder discovery I had another treatment from her to help my circulation and I also saw a vein specialist to confirm the diagnosis and treatment recommended by Dr. Foulk.  The vein specialist agreed with everything and told me that for someone as young and seemingly healthy as I was, I was “pretty jacked up”.  He had no idea!!! The treatment for the disorder would be in addition to the 20 pills I was already taking, I would take a baby aspirin everyday for the rest of my life.  When trying to get pregnant I would have to add 2 shots/day of Heparin that I inject in my stomach and I would have to do the shots for the full 9 months.  UGHHHHH! One more pill, didn’t really make a difference, but more shots… no thanks.  

            Another change I made after our trip was to cut gluten out of my diet.  I have had digestive issues since I was 16.  I was constantly sick, bloated, gassy, throwing up, constipated with occasional diarrhea.  I cut dairy out of my diet when I was 16, which helped me to stop throwing up every day and keep it to only 2-3 times a week (it really seemed like paradise at the time).  For the next 14 years I stuck to this diet, but was still sick nearly every day and throwing up 2-3 times/week.  I just figured I had to deal with it.  THEN I talked to a friend that was diagnosed with celiac and couldn’t eat gluten.  I figured I would just try the diet to see if it helped because maybe I had celiac.  I stopped eating gluten and by day 2 it was life changing.  I have not thrown up since June (Its October 2012 when I am writing this).  Anyways, I mention this because once I started reading about celiac and gluten I learned it can cause problems with fertility… ah ha moment.  I went and got tested for celiac.  The results were…negative, which was weird for me to NOT have a disease I was tested for.  I was grateful, but knew I still had an intolerance for gluten based on the change it made in my ability to function and digest food.  Even if it was just an intolerance, if I stuck to a gluten free diet it was supposed to help with fertility.   

             So once again thinking we had found all the issues and solved the problem we did our 5^th IUI once I started my next period after the miscarriage.  The results were negative.  They were negative for attempts 6 and 7 also!   On attempt 6 I had super high hopes because I had 3 good eggs and Beau beat the fertility center record in sperm count with 94.2 million mobile sperm!!!  I was astonished when not even those odds worked in our favor.  For attempt 7 I started my period on my 30^th birthday!!! What a crappy gift! Thankfully Beau had already planned the greatest birthday celebration weekend ever, so I wasn’t a crying mess till I had a moment to think about it a few days later.  I was frustrated, cried-out, emotionally exhausted, no longer had a sex drive after having it scheduled for so long, and just tired of everything!!!   To add to my frustration, on attempts 5-7 I was instructed to do the heparin shots starting the day after the IUI.  My stomach was swollen and sore with small bruises all over it and it didn’t seem to be helping anything.  I at least got pregnant before the heparin and now I wasn’t getting pregnant at all!!!!

Time to Re-think…

            Beau and I scheduled another meeting with Dr. Foulk to discuss our options going forward.  We felt we had hit all the road-blocks possible and didn’t know what to do.  The week before our meeting we asked both sides of our family to join us in a fast.  We were hoping to gain insight into what our Heavenly Father would have us do.  Two separate individuals had approached us the same week I started my period about doing a private adoption.  We weren’t sure if that meant we were supposed to stop our efforts and adoption was the route to take.  So we prayed and fasted.  When we fast we do it for a 24-hour period, but the praying is continual (both formally and in your heart).  We all fasted at the same time, but our thoughts and most prayers were done individually.  I felt more peace during those 24 hours then I had the past two years since we started trying to conceive. 

            Beau and I came back together to talk about things after we had finished our fast and we had both come to the same conclusion.  We were not meant to adopt…yet, but we felt we should continue our path to conceive a biological child.  The experience during our fast definitely opened our hearts and minds to possibly adopting when the time is right.  I’ve always wanted to adopt after I had a couple biological children, so I was grateful for the direction we felt and the peace about what would come later.  I thanked my family a ton for their sacrifice to also fast and pray on our behalf.  I truly felt their love and support.

            We met with Dr. Foulk a few days later.  We told him that we wanted to keep going.  We felt we needed to do the endometriosis surgery to figure out if I had that or not.  If I did and it could be removed, then we would do 3 more IUI’s.  If I didn’t have endometriosis then we would go right into in-vitro.  During this month (Mid August- September) we had done our 8^th IUI.   This time I didn’t have to do the heparin shots until we got a positive blood test, but it was negative of course.   I had expected this for some reason and so it was the only time it didn’t have much affect on me.  I also felt great peace that we were on the right path and eventually it would work.  The surgery was scheduled for two days after I had started my period, Sept. 6, 2012. 

            Once again my hopes were up that this was the final puzzle piece.  My hopes and dreams of becoming a mom would soon come to pass.  The surgery went well.  It can take anywhere from 20 min to 2 hours for this type of surgery depending on the severity of the person’s endometriosis.  My surgery took 1.5 hours.  I had stage 2.  Dr. Foulk took a bunch of pictures of my insides, which we didn’t get to see until we met with him two weeks after the surgery.  My recovery was a little rougher then I thought it would be.  I stayed pretty drugged up for the first four days and didn’t move much.  I felt like I had been kicked and punched repeatedly in the stomach.  Also, there was an incredible amount of air in me to the point that if I sat up at all the pressure would go into my shoulders and it killed!!!! The air was probably the worst part and there was nothing I could do besides wait it out.  We had to wait to have sex until after our meeting with Dr. Foulk.  My poor husband is so sweet to have to deal with scheduled sex and then no sex and yet he has never complained once!!

            When we finally met with Dr. Foulk I was feeling great.  I was excited AGAIN that all my problems had been solved.  I was ready to move forward.  The pictures he took grossed me out.  There were pools of blood, cysts on my ovaries, lesions covered with spiderweb-like fibers, brown spots that looked like a smoker’s lung, and burrows where there should not have been burrows.  I can’t even imagine what a stage 3 or 4 endometriosis would look like.  I also couldn’t believe that I had all that stuff in me for YEARS! Not only was I excited to start trying again, but I was excited at the idea of my periods not being so painful and sex not being painful…yes, sex was pretty painful for me at times :(  The same night Dr. Foulk flushed my tubes to make sure they were open.  This causes minor cramping, but he simply puts a small catheter in me and pushes dye through my tubes to make sure it then comes out both sides.  One side was a little slower, but both were open. ( I failed to mention I had my tubes flushed after the 4th or 5th round of Clomid in the beginning as well).  

            During my recovery in the month of September I decided to stop taking my thyroid and prolactin pills.  I also started turning my diet towards natural and organic foods.  I was really feeling crappy about how many prescriptions I had and couldn’t imagine what it would be like when I was old… I am only 30!!! My hope was to rebalance my body in the most natural way I could.  I asked my acupuncturist to focus on my thyroid and prolactin.  When I had my blood tested all my levels came back balanced… YAY!!!  I felt great that my body was doing something right, finally! 

            I started my period September 29 and we started our 9^th IUI.   Everything went as planned during the process.  The sperm count was 48 million and I had 2 good eggs with a possible third.  During the horrible two-week wait we went to visit Beau’s family. 

            Out of respect because I don’t know if a certain person would want the details of our experience with Beau’s amazing family to be shared.  I will simply say that after a minor heated discussion, we have been blessed in a HUGE way by having our In-Vitro process paid for.  OH MY GOSH!!  We will not be allowed to pay it back, which is the part that Beau and I got a little heated about :)… this is a new situation for us, but I can’t put into words the blessing and answered prayer that it is.  THANK YOU… anonymous donor.  We love you!!!           

#9 Results…

            When they called with my blood test results I was told they were inconclusive because I showed a very low HCG level, which meant pregnant, but it wasn’t high enough to be considered viable yet.  UGHHHH.  To get that as an answer after waiting two miserable long weeks really sucked.  They scheduled me for another blood draw two days later… I started spotting later that night and was full flow into my period by the next morning (today).  

Where My Feelings Are Now…

            The day I have decided to write this blog ( to this point) is the day I started my period after attempt 9.  From all the people I have talked to and all the stuff I have read, the most IUI’s I’ve heard a single person do is 8…we’ve passed that and are moving on to 10!!! What the Crap!! I am more bitter about this last attempt not working then I have been with the rest.  I haven’t really let myself cry over it because I am just tired of crying.  I am sick of the deep deep sadness and emptiness that comes each month.  I am burnt out trying to be patient and wait on the Lord’s timing.  I am exhausted from trying to put on a happy face about the situation.  I tired of beating myself up with the “what if’s” when I try to think if I did things right or wrong. I am beat up!

            I hear many people tell me that we have only been trying for a short period of time, just over two years.  Most people’s stories are of them trying for 5-8 years.  I believe that the biggest difference with most, not all, of those stories and mine is that most did a treatment here and there, but spent most of their “trying time” doing things naturally…not that that is wrong or bad.  The emotions are somewhat the same.  We have done two years of pretty much non-stop treatments mixed with 2 surgeries and a few other health issue discoveries.  I have been a pill-poppin-pin-cushion for 2 years.  We have spent so much time and money trying to figure it all out.  I feel like we have squished 5 years of other people’s “trying” into a 2 year time frame. 

            I have no children to show for all the effort and I already feel like my body is not my own.  I have to watch the activities I participate in, I have to watch what I am eating (can’t eat sushi when we are trying…its my favorite.), I can’t plan trips because I don’t know where we will be in a cycle or if I will be pregnant and if I am pregnant if I will have complications…so we have not traveled at all since Ohio. My life has been consumed by trying to have a child and so have my thoughts. 

            We’ve been told the millions of stories about the couple that adopts and then miraculously gets pregnant soon after.  It’s a great story, but its not ours at the moment, so please don’t tell me it again. I do my best to stay busy and keep my mind focused on other things so I don’t literally go insane over it all, but it is hard.  I can’t even imagine going through something like this without my faith and beliefs.  Besides Beau, my faith is the only thing that brings me peace knowing there is a purpose to all the craziness and if I endure this trial well blessings will come. 

            However, on a more positive note, Beau and I consider ourselves blessed because along our path we have discovered health issues that if left unresolved could have caused some serious damage.  So far everything has been caught so early that solutions were simple and not too invasive. I know I will be a mother some day.   I don’t know how or when and it is that uncertainty that keeps me on edge.  Although health issues are not anything new to me, this is one that I can’t conquer or figure out the solution to.   I’ll just keep praying!

What’s next…

            I am starting our last and FINAL IUI this week.  I have spoken with the fertility center and have started to pre-schedule appointments to start IVF immediately after this IUI cycle if it doesn’t take.  I don’t want to waste any more time.  I am a little up in the air about even doing another IUI.  A small part of me thinks that maybe the endometriosis was the last piece of the puzzle and I need to give it at least 2 attempts before forking out tons of money for IVF just because I am getting impatient.  But the other part of me would rather move on to IVF where my odds of getting and staying pregnant increase drastically and avoid the emotional roller coaster of IUI. 

           

Buy 9, Get the 10^th Free…

            A few days after I last wrote Beau and I went in and spoke with the UFC Financial Director.  We did this primarily to figure out the cost and schedule of payment for an IVF cycle.  Before we met with her I joked (kind of) with Beau about asking to get our 10^th IUI for free since we already bought 9.  We laughed but decided it wouldn’t hurt to ask. 

            When we met with the director I blurted out our request first thing and explained our reasoning of why it was a reasonable request.  I don’t remember if she gave me an actual answer then, but the topic quickly changed to IVF costs.  UFC works with an insurance company called ATTAIN.  The ATTAIN program has 2 options and it basically allows you to have more IVF attempts for cheaper.  Patients have the option of using ATTAIN or simply going through the center’s cost.  The treatment is the same, but the cost can be very different depending on the patient’s needs and the amount of attempts. (Look it up if are thinking of doing IVF.  UFC is one of the few places that works with the ATTAIN insurance because UFC’s success rate is so high that the insurance company ends up making a really good profit typically when people choose to use them).  Anyways, at the end of the conversation I once again asked for a clear answer on our request and… she said YES!!! We got our 10^th IUI free :) I was sooooo happy I started to get emotional and couldn’t talk for a second.  She than gave me a compliment and made us promise that we would “pay her back by having a baby as beautiful as me”.  I couldn’t respond, but Beau did and with more compliments.  The Director than made the comment that she rarely met a husband that spoke so highly of their wife… sad!!! I was once again reminded of the wonderful, loving man I am married to.  I felt very blessed leaving that meeting. 

            I have since run the numbers for the best and worst case scenarios.  I don’t think we will try more then 2-3 times, so for us the best route financially is to go through UFC and not use ATTAIN.  The insurance program is better if you are willing to try up to 6 times… I am not sure I could handle doing that many. 

10^th IUI…

            So I decided to go ahead and do the IUI, especially because it is free!  After the 5^th or 6^th IUI I convinced my doctor that I didn’t need to do the baseline ultrasounds ($200) because I had never had a scan that was abnormal.  He agreed, so since then I have cut that out of that cost.  For the 10^th time I took my hormone pills, but then did only 2 Lepori shots.  Day 11 of my cycle would have fallen on a Saturday so they did the follicle scan a day early and after only 2 shots… but I had 3 eggs with a potential for a 4^th basically ready to go!!! That has never happened.  Eggs typically grow 2 sizes per day naturally.  The nurse wanted me to do my HCG shot on Saturday for IUI on Monday (they can do the IUI 24-36 hours after the HCG shot, but once the HCG is done the eggs stop growing).  I kind of fought her to let the eggs grow one more day to give me a better chance at more mature eggs.  The nurse really didn’t want to, but I asked her to call my doctor and I would do whichever he recommended…Dr. Foulk agreed with me :) I injected my HCG on Sunday afternoon and we did the IUI on Monday afternoon.  Beau's count was 55 million ( not bad :) ). 

            We had our scheduled sex that night.  The nurse that did the actual insemination suggested we have sex for the next couple nights (make sure I orgasm of course) just to get as much sperm in me as possible… OK :)  I finally realized on our final IUI attempt that we can have sex even though I put a progesterone suppository in!!!! I didn’t think we could do that, so all the other months during the cycle our sex life sucked because it was so planned when it evidently didn’t have to be! I can’t believe that is a question I never bothered to ask!!!  Oh well.  This time around I am really trying not to get my hopes up of course, but I feel excited about this attempt.  I have only felt excited about 2 or 3 other attempts and 2 of them I ended up prego.  I feel like my body and hormones are balanced and in a good place.  I truly feel that the endometriosis was the last piece of the puzzle and I am excited that we do not have to dip into our meager savings this month…it can actually accumulate for a month!!  We will get our results on November 19^th.  If it is negative we will literally go straight into the IVF cycle, which I will explain in more detail if we have to go that route. 

Results…

            Negative… a big fat NEGATIVE.  AHHHHHHHHHH.  I really thought that this was the magic time.  I had a lot of “pregnancy” symptoms and thought things were different… nope.  I feel super bitter, angry, sad and lost.  Although at the same time, this was least I have cried after a negative result.  I’ve talked with Beau and done my best to pray like crazy.  We’ll see how I do over the next few days.

Everyone is Pregnant!!!...

            So the same day I got the negative result I get a text from my cousin “I’m Pregnant”.  The next day Beau’s cousin had her baby (she went through IVF with my doctor to get prego :)).  Then two days later my girlfriend who is wonderful and will make a great mom, but is scared to death of becoming a mom told me she is pregnant.  Ughhhhh. Although I truly am happy for each one of them it does not help my mood or mind set.  I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy, but I get frustrated that everyone else seems to get a baby , but then I get frustrated that I am frustrated over someone else’s good news… it’s a constant battle!  Congrats to everyone… seriously, I promise :)

Moving on and finding peace…

            So its about 8 days after the last result.  I’ve started to take birth control in order to skip my next period.  That way UFC has all the control over when they start me on the In-Vitro (IVF) cycle.  So far I haven’t had any crazy emotional out breaks.  I do get headaches more often if I don’t eat for too long.  I take one pill each morning, no big deal.

            Beau and I have spent a lot of time praying and talking things over.  I was really bummed out for about a week and feeling like nothing was going to work.  My body feels so worked over with all the changes that have occurred over the 10 IUI attempts that I no longer know what is normal and what is a “pregnancy symptom”, which causes even more drastic emotional roller coaster moments… super draining!!! 

            Beau and I went to the temple the other night and after our session was over we sat together in the celestial room and talked for a few moments about what was on our minds.  Of course mine was on our family and how and when our kids would come to us.  I told Beau that since the last IUI result I have stopped praying specifically to have a child, but instead to simply understand the Lord’s will/mission for me on earth.   I want to stop stressing so much about the ups and downs and what will come next and instead just appreciate the blessings along the way.  I want to find the good in all of it.  Beau then told me that he has been praying from the beginning for my safety.  He has not wanted anything harmful to happen to me, even if it meant not having a biological child.  He told me that the Lord has answered his prayer through our process because the doctors have found health issues that could have potentially had a detrimental impact on me, or our child in utero, if they had remained unknown.  This brought me comfort and peace about our process because I had no idea that he had been praying for that.

            After talking for a few minutes Beau suggested that we just sit in silence for a few more minutes.  I closed my eyes and started to pray, but then stopped and decided I needed to shut up and open my heart and mind to my Heavenly Father… just in case he wanted to do the talking :)  Beau said I had my eyes closed long enough for him to fall asleep twice… haha, but to me it seemed like only a minute or two.  I believe that I received an answer SO CLEAR from the Lord that In-Vitro (IVF) would work.  We are to go through UFC and not use ATTAIN and it will work!!!!  I have never been more sure of an answer to a prayer in my life and I have never had an answer come so clearly and with so much peace.  I don’t know if it will be our first or second try, but I KNOW we are on the right path and that it will work out in the end.  The Lord wants to bless us with a family; he just needed to get a few things with my health in order first. 

            I was lost in my thoughts for the rest of the night.  In shock at how clearly and confident I felt about the answer I received.  I feel so ridiculously blessed to have had this experience.  I have zero stress going into IVF and I know I will be a mom soon.  I can’t thank my Heavenly Father enough for the gift of peace he has given Beau and I.  He is watching over us for sure and knows exactly what we need!

IVF Calendar is set…

            We met with the IVF scheduler today.  Holy Cow it is a process.  She laid out for us 2 months worth of stuff we have to do.  There is something new either added or taken away on a daily basis.  Lots of shots and pills, but my biggest stress and concern is that by mid January I can’t workout any more!!! I go to the gym every morning and play volleyball at least a few hours a week.  I am not good at sitting still.  The no-working-out stuff lasts from mid-January till after the first week of February… yikes!!!  There are a few days in that time period that they have termed “Princess Days”, which are right after they do the egg transfer.  On those days I am not allowed to even make myself a sandwich… pee and sit, that’s it.  Oh the sacrifices to make for our soon to be child! haha.  I am already giving myself pep talks that I can do it… I can sit still!

These are the calendars for December and January… whoa!

            We also talked to the scheduler, Tanya (sweetest woman on the planet!!) about implanting 2 eggs, we would love to have twins.  One child is great and perfect of course, but twins would just be an added bonus.  She told us that the eggs they implant in an IVF cycle have a much higher rate of splitting into twins then natural eggs because of all the messing around that is done to them.  Dr. Foulk will make the final decision of course on what he feels will give us the best odds of at least having one healthy baby, but I’ll be honest and say that I hope he puts in two eggs :)

            The egg retrieval won’t be until around the 20^th of January.  I’ll try to keep this updated as I go through the process instead of trying to explain it all upfront.  I am sure with all the hormones I will be taking; I’ll have some wonderful emotions to go along with my updates :)

            For now, I am in a good place and trying to Let go and Let God :) It’s really all in his hands and I trust he has our best interest in mind and it will all work the way it is supposed to.  Thank goodness for the gospel!!!!